Story: Toto Pass Toto (21+)… Episode 41 – 50
Story: Toto Pass Toto (21+) -Episode 41
Madam: oga why you dey shout? Fine guy like you, no suppose dey shout.
Me: how fine guy affect my pocket?
Madam: no fall your hands ’cause of seven thousand naira.
Me: seven thousand wetin?! my head start aching me how manage?
Madam: your friend that one with gal, collect two plates of pepper soup and this one wey sabi enjoyment carry two plates, plus your own na five thousand naira.
Biggy: madam this your pepper soup go well oh I eye him angrily
Me: carry this plate of pepper soup go back before I go purge, then come back for the bill.
Biggy: madam, bring another plate!
Me: your brain divorce you? Madam dey go back oh! except you wan give am for free.
I went to each table, and the idiot Biggy has opened the two bottles of beer he ordered, and have gone halves of each bottle. Wickedness, I went to my twin brother’s table and three bottles were still not touch.
He took an opener to open another bottle, when i grabbed his hand.
Me: no try am, before heaven go drop for your head.
Victory: wetin happen? which kind mortuary flexing be this?
Me: that drink get price of human being liver.
Albino: na wa for you oh! Victor.
Me: dey wa dey go, em no concern me.
I returned the bottles and the owner of the restaurant with me did the sum of what we consumed, I was lucky I returned the remaining bottles, I paid her…
Me: madam, this your shop local but na for local rich men, I even pay your shop rent sef.
Madam: road no good, and light nodey. The transport from here to city big well well, so we dey do am to gain I dey laugh
Me: madam, you try I start heading to the exit
Biggy: where you dey go?
Me: I dey come.
Biggy: Victory, your brother don dey go oh.
Victory: em no go try am, em dey go weep for the money em spend, you know say money na em god.
Albino: are you serious, he is going to weep?
Victory: you never can tell three of them start laughing
I just ignored them and entered my car, ignited the engine and the headlights shone surprising them. they scampered on their feet towards were my car is, I just put the car in motion and drove out, they should use the ancient means of transportation and navigate themselves home.
Musa opened the gate after I horned for over an hour, I was not surprised to see him opening the gate with just short and a girl stood on his security house, I wondered why Musa is into fresh blood and what those secondary school girls are doing with him always.
Musa: yowa! No vex am for me oga, the sweet ko!.
Me: Musa, how you dey?
Musa: pine pine, I dey do am okay.
He started shining his colorful teeth while I made my way inside, I took a quick shower and made myself comfortable after putting my phone on silent, placed it under my pillow and zoomed off to the dream lands.
I had a dream were my phone was ringing and the caller was Abigail, I woke up and felt my phone vibrating.
I picked the call immediately ’cause Abigail was actually the one calling not one of those i abandoned to their fate.
Me: my sweet, good morning.
Abigail: don’t just sweet me, I have been calling you.
You are busy cheating on me right, she start crying
Me: I was not cheating on you, I slept off without knowing my phone was on silent.
Abigail: is she more beautiful than me?
Abigail: you know, am I not enough for you, why are you still cheating?
Me: what is your problem, Abigail? I told you, am the only one here.
Abigail: you are shouting on me Vic, you don’t love me she increase her crying, I just weak
Me: just come online on whatsapp for video.
I ended the call.. I had to switch on all the lights, then switched on my data and messages started flooding in, as whatsapp started swallowing my data.
Immediately she came online, I tapped the video symbol at the top bar and I appeared on my screen background as calling was written on it then ringing.
It showed connecting and my image took a crop box shape at the left down corner of my screen, her face came up she does not look like someone who was crying.
She was grinning and looking beautiful.
Hope they did not send this one?
I started showing her everywhere from my room to the kitchen, then lastly the restroom.
Me: did you find anyone? she start giving me sorry face
Abigail: am sorry, I was not myself when you refuse picking my calls.
Me: no problem, I love you, I want to sleep.
Abigail: lazy child, lets talk joor.
Me: is not me and you oh! I nodey play with sleep oh!!
Abigail: I will cry oh! If you leave me here.
Me: am not going again, lets talk she start smiling and keeping quiet, I was just nodding my phone
Abigail: I have nothing to say, I just want to look at your face.
Me: you need deliverance.
Abigail: from your love bah? Goodnight.
Another message: my baby! pop-up from the notification bar from Beauty, I just ignored it and switched off my data and tried to catch small sleep.
I heard gun shots outside and heard some scream, I did not know how sleep left me immediately.
My brain went to work immediately when I heard a loud bang on our gate, I quickly pick-up the padlock from were I kept it, and locked the protector from outside.
I removed the inside lock, I went inside the kitchen and locked it and removed the key from the door, I peeped from the kitchen window and saw Musa with arrow and bow charging gingerly at the gate.
Musa: na who dey knack am for my gate?
Voice: open this gate!! gbuuu!! Gbuuu!!
Musa: run am from here, befor I turn you to nama.
They shot twice in the air and Musa laid down flat throwing his war materials away, I went inside and grabbed all my keys pushed them under bed with my phones.
I left ten thousand naira and went under bed, I came back and removed two thousand naira from it and returned to the former position.
I started praying under the bed and confessed all my sins, as I heard Musa screaming.
I started praying that they should take the eight thousand naira on the table and leave, I heard footsteps behind my flat.
And it stopped on getting to my window…
Voice: you dey hide bah? I nearly pee
Story: Toto Pass Toto (21+) -Episode 42
My heart beat was sounding ‘gbu! gbu!’ like a talking drum, I heard a loud bang on the protector and the padlock I held the protector closed made a sharp noise, I remained mute and immobile under the bed.
A noise of kick on my kitchen door made it gave way ‘na wa oh, if na Africa door. That guy for nofit enter like that’ I heard footsteps coming from the kitchen, they entered the bedroom.
Voice1: come out now! my phone start vibrating
Voice2: we know where you dey hide.
I checked the caller and it was Beauty who was calling, I started struggling to breathe fine.
Voice3: this guy nodey house, I wish say em dey house em for no keep this money here, and em for no lock em protector from outside na truth you talk bros
Voice1: what of em car wey dey outside?
Voice3: you dey waste time! Make we commot here before police go enter, na everyday person go drive?! ntoor!
I heard foot-falls moving towards the kitchen, I exhaled the breathe I was holding.
I adjusted myself and laid fine under the bed, the tiles have never been conducive hitherto, lol.
Voices: thief oh!
Voice: lie flat! We will shoot you!!
Voices: aahhh! Ooohh!! Ewooo ah!!!
Voice: where is the money?!
The screams of cries and shouts was aired incessantly from the other flats, I thank God for giving me wisdom to elude those thieves that can reshape your body structure because of your hard earned money, ‘I no blame them sha..’ I did not know when I fell asleep, I woke up with a painful headache and rolled out from under the bed, feeling awfully cold.
I wore two sweater and boiled a glass of lipton, rubbing my two palms together. I emptied the cup of boiled lipton in my stomach, and took a tablet of panadol.
I went back to bed and slept off, after some hours I woke up feeling much better.
I went to the restroom and took my bath, I dressed for work and came out from my flat to see Musa tied to one of the pillar holding the security house.
I could not help but laugh, he was sleeping tied to a pillar, suffering and enjoying.
I did not want to stop his enjoyment, I just helped myself and opened the gate, entered my car and ignited the engine.
The sound of the car woke him up….
Musa: shegel! Bakasaga!! Elp oh! shouting
Me: Musa, how body?
Musa: pine pine! struggling with the rope
Since he is fine, I just drove out of the compound leaving the gate open in case he is not fine again someone will untie him.
I got to the new branch that I was transferred as manager, I horned at the gate and it was opened for me, I drove in and parked my car.
A woman of about forty something, I surmise, she wore a marriage ring in her ring finger walked up to me.
Woman: good morning, sir. You are the new manager, right? I nod am your secretary how?
Me: morning secretary, assemble all the workers in the next seven minutes.
I passed an order like boss and started walking to my office, like I know where it is.
Secretary: excuse me sir, that is not the way to your office.
Me: no vex, show me.
She giggled and went ahead of me, I was just walking behind examining her large buttocks, wondering what married women are doing with big bumbum that only their husband alone cannot handle.
I went into my office and I can call it executive office, some minutes later she came back and informer me she has carried out my order and the workers are assembled waiting for me.
She escorted me to the hall, I climbed the podium, and started scanning the faces old people everywhere, hope am not in the land of the dead oh! Make this people retire na.
Me: good morning my fathers and mothers they start laughing
Voices: good morning, sir.
Me: I don’t have much to say, you all are aware am the new manager and I supposed you all have inquired about my name.
Voices: yes, sir!
Me: make we behave and work together as family, I be ona pikin. Any problem you have meet me, apart from financial problem they start laughing where is the accountant?
Secretary: we don’t have one.
Me: advertise the position of that vacancy, I will do the interview myself.
I went home feeling happy, you know that feeling to be called sir by older ones. On getting to my gate, I saw Musa standing in the front of the gate talking to a female hawker.
Me: Musa, open the gate!!
Musa: oga, you don come?
Me: no, I don go, ashawo! Open the gate!!!
He ran and opened the gate, his love for girls is making me feel unsecured in the house I rented, I was surprised to see a girl sitting on my frontage and Sam was talking with her.
I quickly came down and recognised the person as the first daughter of my older brother.
Umashi: daddy, good morning I eye Sam
Me: Sam, you jam trailer or trailer jam you? he was looking like someone beaten by those good boys that visit in the night
Sam: he hiss I will see you some other time baby my head spark
He started limping like an old man, I was enjoying the movement.
I faced my brother’s daughter.
Me: wetin em dey tell you?
Umashi: nothing, daddy.
Me: make em be nothing oh! Because I will find out if he is telling you something.
I helped her carry her luggage inside the house, a call came in from Abigail, I picked.
Abigail: how is work today, Sweet? she was laughing
Me: make God forgive you, why old people full there na?
Abigail: ehem, so that you no go shift pnt na *her pidgin was with America accent
Me: me that is a virgin she start laughing
Abigail: bye joor!!
A knock landed on the protector, I went out and met Beauty not smiling but looking very angry.
Story: Toto Pass Toto (21+) -Episode 43
Me: you look more beautiful when angry she look away and blush, she face me looking more angrier
Beauty: why are you not picking my calls?
Me: the one I will die for, is it to climb mountain Everest?
Beauty: oh! Please, stop flattering me with those unromantic lines, were you having sx with someone? *na wa oh!
Me: the entire yard was robbed last night her face soften
Beauty: are you hurt? Have you seen the doctor? Oh my….
Umashi: daddy, the food is burning oh! Beauty look shock, angry, confuse
Me: commot am for fire, you don reach age to cook wetin Buhari suppose chop.
Beauty: you have a child?! she yell at me angrily, I don’t even understand this girl character
Me: no… Is my brother’s daughter who came to write jamb in the city, can you come in.
She looked me up before going inside after a long hiss, I just entertained myself with her shaking ss.
Beauty: what are you staring at? Are you not coming in?
Me: how many men have you sent to hell with your ass? Baby, you are beautifully made behind.
Beauty: when you are done going crazy, you can come in.
She went inside, I heaved a sigh of relief. Dealing with Beauty is very difficult, she is very aggressive and irrational sometimes.
She must not see my phone before she will ask another jamb question, I picked up myself from the verandah.
Hid my phone in the kitchen, and entered the bedroom were Beauty is on the bed and Umashi sat facing her on the floor.
Beauty: so Vera, how old are you?
Umashi: am 16years.
Beauty: aww… You will grow up to be a beautiful woman, you are so cute for your age.
Me: but you are more beautiful than her, sha…
Beauty: who ask you? *she eye me up
Me: just protecting my girlfriend interest.
Beauty: you are not serious, baby I missed you her eyes start sending sx signal, my dck got the message
Me: ehnn… Umashi, go and wash plates.
Umashi: daddy, am done washing plates na, you saw me, did not you?
Me: ehnn… Go wash my car.
Umashi: I no sabi wash car oh! which kind witch be this?
Me: ehnn.. Go wash house roof if you no sabi wash car. self contain na palava oh!
Beauty: laughing you are not serious at all, no be you want sx, which one be not serious again na*
Umashi: umhh.. Unhhh.. Me, I cannot wash car oh, am hungry.
Me: go outside first, go learn how to drive car.
Beauty was busy with her phone while I was doing all the privacy negotiation, girls can do ‘I don’t care ehnn’.
My sister was about going outside when I remembered that she is a sheep and wolves like Sam and MTYB associate member might be lurking around looking for a girl to shift her pnt.
Me: where you dey go?
Umashi: you said I should go outside na, that is what am doing. *look at you
Me: and you gree? Carry food and eat. Watch television, don’t go anywhere.
I laid on the bed making sure half of my body is covered beneath the sheet, mostly my nether.
Beauty also joined me under the sheet and deep her hand inside my boxer, she held my rock hrd dck and smiled.
Beauty: f–k me she whisper to me
Me: my sister I whisper back to her
Beauty: is she a virgin? she whisper to me
Me: are you suggesting, I should finger my kid sister? I whisper back, Umashi enter the room and I start laughing, she will think we are playing
Umashi: daddy thank you she sit and face the television with a plate of rice, and there is two laps of chicken on it. This girl have big eyes oh, she don eat her two days fish if she devour both laps
Beauty: no, am wt. I need you inside me now! *she whisper to me, with hot breathe
She cross her leg on me, and brought out my hard dck.
Jerk on it slowly, I did not see what she was doing but I enjoyed it. She rub something wt on my dck and it feels good, the temptation is much.
I could not bring myself to have sx in presence of my kid sister, is a big shame.
Me: stop please, later.. Baby. i whisper, shifting away
Beauty: no, I need you now. she whisper back, insisting
Me: no I adjusted my boxer and step down from the bed
Beauty: f–k you she said aloud and Umashi look back, her colored up face beam immediately are you done eating sweetheart?
Umashi: am still eating…
Me: if she is your sweetheart, what am I?
Beauty: bitter heart, Vera, when you are done eating, we will go out for shopping.
Umashi: yeeeeehhhh!! Thanks, aunty.
Beauty: you are welcome.
Beauty ignored me totally and focused all her attention on Umashi, I was jealous but i knew she is just angry and cannot handle the word rejection.
I just kept my lonely life busy with the television.
Umashi: aunty, am done smiling like tolotolo
Beauty: let’s go…
Me: baby, what of goodbye kiss.
She looked at me and rolled her eyes, then went out with my kid sister.
I was alone in the big room, watching the boring screen that is not adding anything to the situation. You know an idle man is a devil workshop, something whispered to me that I should start watching prn.
I obeyed like otondo, I was on the third scene when I dosed off leaving the prn on.
I guess my rod was pointing to the sky as I slept off facing the celine, I must have gone far.
A noise woke me up, I stirred and looking towards the kitchen door and saw Amarachi looking at the screen like she has not seen someone having sx or she has not done it.
Amarachi and her three friends, are students who rented house for their university education, all those off k girls.
They will not rest in school compound oh! They will rent a lounge to worry an innocent neighbor with ‘help me with maggi, help with this, let today be help me with your dck oh!’.lol, the moment she turned to see if I am awake, I pretended to be asleep.
I slightly open my eye and find her staring hard on my rod, she must have not seen such size that want to reap boxer off.
She start scratching herself and clamped her legs, staring at the prn on the screen and me interchangeably, she looked confused, shey you nodey knock?
Voice from outside: Amarachi!! Why you dey waste time, this rice go catch fire oh!?
Amarachi: em dey sleep na! *sleep ke,
She walked to me and tapped me.
Me: wetin happen?
Amarachi: brother Victor, no vex… Help us with maggi abeg.
Me: why you no knock?
Amarachi: I knock, but you no gree open door. Abeg, our rice dey fire.
Me: so my start to run helter skelter for your rice?
Amarachi: no vex na, you sef ehnn.
Me: hope say you no look tv oh.
Amarachi: I no look oh! Am a virgin who ask this one?
I stood up and went to the kitchen while she followed from behind, I gave her cubes of maggi.
She thanked me and wanted to go out, she turned back and blushed, then winked at me and left.
I would have called her back and smashed her hrd, but the fear of Beauty is the beginning of wisdom.
I heard car horned outside and I did the cross sign, went back inside removed the prn and sat down.
Some minutes later, Beauty came in looking angry.
Beauty: who is she?
Beauty: the girl that just left.
Me: ordinary neighbor.
Beauty: I will find out myself.
She removed something on the wall in the bedroom, and went to the kitchen, and came back with similar gadget.
Umashi ran inside with two big bags, smiling and grinning like someone who won lotto.
Umashi: daddy, see… them send you? You no see the situation on ground
Me: what is that baby?
Beauty: a video recorder video wetin?
Story: Toto Pass Toto (21+) -Episode 44
Me: when did you do this?
Beauty: some days ago… hope Valentine day no follow oh
I started reflecting on what I did few days ago, my brain just abandoned me like someone who has not read for an exam and entered the hall to write.
My kid sister she disappeared the moment she understood what was happening, I just stayed on the sofa staring at Beauty who was busy watching whatever she was streaming.
I would not have given her my house key, I just forgot she is not the only one am dating.
I rubbed my sweaty palms together, I started practicing how to ‘say sorry’ or lies that I will chirp in if she find anything incriminating.
While streaming she raised her head momentarily studying me and continued.
Her face became remorseful the moment she was done, I knew she might have done that two days ago. I breathed and fumed like someone who was angry.
She stood up and walked to were I’m and sat beside me, she looked at me with her remorseful face.
Me: you don’t trust me?
Beauty: am sorry, please forgive me she rest her head on my shoulder and start sobbing
Umashi: daddy, please forgive her na she start sobbing with Beauty, birbery and corruption
Me: why do you think am cheating on you?
Beauty: baby, am sorry.
She moved my face to face her’s, she placed her irresistible lips on mine, and both lips danced in harmony and my anger melted away all of a sudden as if I was angry, lol.
That is how we settled, Beauty was all fun that day, she was all over me being a sweet girlfriend she is.
We went to the kitchen and we messed the whole place up, she asked me to teach her how to cook. She was scared of fire, I wondered why.
Me: why do you say you will get burnt if you get close to fire? she laugh like a silly person
Beauty: tears tickle down her eyes I lost my older sister to fire accident.
Me: I hug her tight, she must have loved that person so much am sorry.
Me: for burning a member of your family on behalf of mr fire.
Beauty: laughing you are just too crazy, I love you baby.
Me: I love you more.
Umashi: I go love oohh! is my ear paining me
Me: will you keep quiet there! No be your mate dey shout I go get admission oh! I go read oh! You dey here dey shout I go love oh!! The food wey you dey chop dey make your brain no stable, I go soon conduct fasting.
She disappeared from the kitchen immediately, I must watched this small girl like eagle before one thing one thing ehnn… According to Rema, Beauty and I moved out of the kitchen after she helped me prepared a delicious egusi soup, she went into the bathroom and had her bath.
She came out looking gorgeous.
Beauty: close your eyes I was over staring
Me: why na?
Beauty: do you want to see me n_ked? as if I never see am
Me: Umashi, close your eyes.
Umashi: daddy, am watching television is you that was looking aunty is this girl not ogbanje or wetin be this?
Me: na your food you dey reduce oh!!
Umashi: daddy, i have close eyes oh!! better, we shall not see
I did not close eyes anyways, I pretended to have done so but I was watching her n_kedness, and I came to the conclusion that am very lucky to have such a beautiful boss lady as my girlfriend, don’t forget am now a boss oh!
When she was done dressed up…
Beauty: am done.
Me: let me walk you, baby.
Umashi: aunty bye bye she start standing up
Me: where you wan go?
Umashi: to escort aunty, is she not leaving?
The way I eyed her she just sat back on the floor and faced the screen, I walked my baby to the gate gisting with her.
Ikenna: brother Vic good evening.
Me: Ikenna, you don visit us today, how school na?
Ikenna: he stare at Beauty for long fine oh, aunty good evening.
Beauty: Ikenna left why was he looking at me like that?
Me: he has never seen someone as beautiful as you are we start laughing, all these yard people sabi amebo oh
Ikenna is one of my neighbor brother who usually visit for a day or two and leave for school, a level 100 undergraduate.
Beauty and I kissed for awhile before she drove out, I returned back and the whole night gave in to day without any remarkable event.
I got to office that day, to see loads of applications files on my desk.
Me: wetin be this?
Secretary: sir, those are the application letters for the vacancy you asked us to advertise.
Me: na only one position them dey apply for?
Secretary: yes, sir na wa oh, that sir sound so new
Me: get a team of accountant, they should oversee a test for the applicants, I will handle the interview personally.
Secretary: that will be done, sir this sir sound sweeter
After my secretary left my office, I started walking around the industry. Checking on the works being done, I went to the marketing section and saw one of the employee, well sitted with a pen in his hand, a paper on the desk which he was writing on. He was looking at nothingness, he did not even notice my presence.
Me: mr. Dan!
Mr. Dan: sir… Good mor… Afternoon, sir!
Me: meet me in my office, right away.
I went to my office and settled down waiting for him to join me, he opened the door looking scared.
Me: you look miserable, wetin happen? Please have a seat. he sit
Mr. Dan: is family issues.
Me: na you wan kill yourself, family issues dey finish?
Mr. Dan: I cheated on my wife.
Me: I start laughing, as you wan die like this? You still dey fine young girls to kill you that is not a problem.
Mr Dan.: my wife caught me.
Me: that is now a problem, wait oh! Why you even cheat sef?
Mr. Dan: sir ehnn… We have lots of beautiful girls, and they all have something special to offer. Some have gorgeous brasts and some wonderful asses, some are very hot. You cannot get all the packages in one, na em make oh! *I did not realize my mouth was ajar
Me: you can have a day off, settle your family issues.
Mr. Dan: thank you sir.
I looked at him and shook my head, all these two minutes men will not keep their dcks one place.
After the work that day, I returned home and met my sister with Ikenna talking and laughing at my frontage, Jesus Christ!
Umashi: *smiling daddy, welcome.
Ikenna: brother Vic, good afternoon. See her mouth like daddy welcome.
Umashi: leave me jor in my front!?
Me: afternoon, so Ikenna when are you travelling back to school?
Ikenna: I am not going back to school compound for now… what is this one saying?
Me: no be transport you dey waste be that?
Ikenna: even if na one million transport I prefer to stay here than go stay inside school this guy serious oh
Me: Umashi enter inside, Ikenna you fit go.
Ikenna: Vera, we will see. in my front?!
Umashi: okay. you will explain that okay
Someone should hold me before I kill somebody and go to jail, me and my older brother’s daughter entered inside the house and I dropped the briefcase I held, and placed my both hands on my waist.
Me: who be that boy?
Umashi: daddy, you meant Ikenna?
Me: yes, I know his name. Who is he to you?
Umashi: he is just my friend.
Me: friend! Eehnnn!! You are here to write Jamb or make friends?
Umashi: he is just helping out so that I will score high in Jamb.
Me: help!! Which kind help that mama thank you boy fit give you, what happened to all these fine girls living around to make friends, ehnn Vera!??
Umashi: daddy, he lives close, all the girls in the yard are ladies.
Me: all the girls in the yard are lady? You no sabi English sef, all you know is to laugh and smile like mad woman listening to Ikenna and his EFCC English, iffa see you with that boy again!! Lemme don’t talk first.
Umashi: sorry, daddy.
Me: sorry for yourself.
I removed my work out-fit and had a cold shower, I decided to sleep.
My kid sister was on the reading desk studying, when I went off to dream land.
I was enjoying the sleep when I saw a vulture calling my sister’s name in the dream, I quickly woke up.
Sam: his voice calling from outside Vera! Come and remove you people’s clothes is getting late.
Me: my sister stand up from the chair where you wan go?
Umashi: to remove the clothes.
Me: my fiend! Will nyash down there!! I hiss
I stood up and flogged the clothe I kept beside me on the bed on my body, and stood up.
I adjusted my boxer a bit because my dck was misbehaving, I went through the kitchen and came out in the verandah to see Sam standing at my frontage like a paid houseboy.
He thought I was not at home, so that he will sweet talk my sister, eehhnn… I will injure somebody oh!!
Me: you lost your memory or your memory lost you?
Sam: *he hiss is your sister at home?
Me: go and bring back your wife, konji go kill you oh!!
He looked at me as someone that has ran mad and shook his head then walk away, am I not actually going crazy?
I reasoned it that am actually doing the right thing.
I went out and brought the clothes in, a video request came in on my phone from Beauty.
The screen displayed and Beauty image appeared, and a clean sparkling kitchen made the background.
Me: someone call 911, fire fire ohh!!
Beauty: she start laughing you are not serious, am preparing rice?
Me: awww… I will not be there to eat.
Beauty: come and spend some time with me in my house.
Me: I will, I cannot grant that request until my sister travel back.
I saw a girl hand touching Beauty and she shifted the screen, smaller version of Beauty joined her on my screen.
She is so beautiful at her age, I swear she will beat beauty when she grows up if she will not meet the wrong guys.
Small girl: hey, uncle how are you? all this big mouthed children
Me: am fine, you?
Small girl: cool, are you my…
Beauty: Annabel f–k off from my phone, god! I don’t know what to do with this kid!! I start laughing
Me: do you hate kids that much?
Beauty: no, I love them but they are nothing but trouble, my God!! Annabel, what are you doing? I will call you back emergency.
She ended the video call, I shook my head.
The night went and she did not call neither Abigail called unusual, I tried her line but did not go through.
I was worried, I slept off with lots of conflicting thoughts.
Is that little kid Beauty’s daughter, is it why she does not want to get marry? I kept on tossing through out the night.
I did not sleep very well through out the night, I had no choice but to wake very early and left home for work.
After I was done supervising the industry environment, I settled down on my desk and a video call request came in from Abigail.
I quickly accepted it, she was silent observing my physique closely.
Abigail: you look stressed out, is something bothering you?
Me: I could not get through to you yesterday.
Abigail: am sorry, I tried calling your line before we went in for the operation room but it was busy.
Me: my doctor, doctor Abigail.
Abigail: you have start bah? Am not seeing my period.
Me: you will see it when it is time.
Abigail: emergency, talk to you later.
Sleep kidnapped me like a hungry kidnapper after she ended the video call, ‘I returned from work and Musa opened the gate for me, I drove in and came down from my car. I looked towards my frontage and saw two different foot-wears on my doorstep, I didn’t recognise the other one.
I locked my car and walked to my apartment, it was locked from inside. I unlocked it and started hearing funny noises like maning, I entered the house and the maning became clear and louder, I got inside my bedroom and saw Ikenna banging my sister anyhow, the moment they saw me they disengaged and Ikenna python was clothed with glittering cndom, and I fainted’
Secretary: sir, sir!!
Me: Jesus! The devil is a liar!! *I pick my car keys and my briefcase
Secretary: sir, here is the results of the test you requested for.
Me: madam wait, family first.
I ran out of the industry building like I was being pursued surprising the workers, I will not let that girl put me to shame.
I entered my car and ignited the engine, and drove to my my rented apartment like mad danfo driver, I got to the gate and came down leaving my car outside, I picked my briefcase and walked into the compound to be shocked with the foot-wear I saw in my dream.
I started hearing Ikenna’s voice from the verandah and Umashi, he was cracking dry jokes and the mumu girl is busy laughing.
So this boy really vowed to shift my sister’s pnt, he has graduated from outside to verandah who knows if I give him more chance he will not ascend to bedroom skipping kitchen then bed.
I appeared before them, Umashi was surprised she was not expecting me to return by that time.
Me: eeeehhh! Ona don graduate from outside to verandah, Umashi!! *I scream
Umashi: daddy, welcome.
Me: welcome bomb you there! My fiend will you disappear inside?!
Ikenna: uncle Vic, welcome… Am just teaching her biology.
Me: abeg, no teach am again. Go your house, she no tell you say I be the best student for biology for theory and practical for my state.
Ikenna: uncle Vic, is not what you are thinking. Me and Vera are just friends.
Me: you even know wetin I dey think, you don see where girl and boy be friends? Umashi you still dey stand there!! she run inside the house
Ikenna: I am different, am just helping her.
Me: which kind help mama thank you boy like you wan render to my sister? I take God beg you, leave my small sister alone she never mature.
Ikenna: but Vera is a big girl, she can decide for herself this boy want my kill am
Me: no problem, as she be big gal, bring 5k come give am, if you like my sister go pay her bride for Ochigba, na one million naira. As I dey go inside, I no wan come out see you here again oh.
I warned and entered the house and saw Umashi on my reading text reading.
Me: you wan disgrace me? Tell the satan say them don loose. When you dey write Jamb?
Umashi: is tomorrow, daddy.
Me: na you dey dey talk with that boy wey no get anything to contribute to your future, you wan write Ikenna for your answer bah?
Umashi: she shake her head he scored 230, and he is teaching me how to score higher.
Me: anything below 250 you don fail, you better read forget about boys wey nofit sit down think about their future, from tomorrow you go be my P.A till you travel.
I wore my clothe and went out to get something for us to prepare beans she selected during the day, I came out and did not see Ikenna, very good.
I wore my clothe and came out of the gate, looked left and right before crossing the road when Traffick was free.
I looked around and saw the shop I usually buy ripe plantain from, I walked to the shop and was surprised to find a beautiful girl rather than a woman who has been my customer for her cheerful attitude of giving me customer bonus anytime I come to her shop.
Girl: good evening, what do you want to buy?
Me: you are very beautiful, I want to buy you.
Girl: she blush am not a goods oh!
Me: girl you too fine, where is your village, I wan pay your bride price?
Girl: hiaa… Owey oh! We nodey marry outside for our church oh!
Me: which church be that?
Girl: Jehovah Witness toasting end there, I no want bible troops to frequent my house
Me: you just make everything fine for this shop, how much be this beautiful plantain?
Me: hiaa! You want give me bp, abeg commot small money na.
Girl: bring 350naira.
Me: thank you so much my wife, you too fine. she package it and give it to me
Girl: you stay in that house pointing to my house
Me: no, I just go greet person there, I stay for the back.
I left the shop and went to the yard and saw Ikenna sitting down on a plastic chair pressing his phone, facing my apartment.
I laughed he thought my sister will come out not knowing that I have placed her under house arrest.
My phone rang and I picked it immediately…
Me: my one and only blood brother.
Victory: you wicked oh! You allow us trek like mad people that day.
Me: no vex, I think say ona no wan come that time, ehnn… Come carry Umashi go where she go write jamb tomorrow.
Victory: no problem, I go come.
I went inside and we prepared the beans together, she had good kitchen skills but I did not allow her to cook.
After we were done eating, I was so stressed out that I have to bath and sleep very early.
I held the kitchen key that leads to verandah in my hand while sleeping.
I was getting tired of sleeping, and I was about opening my eyes when I heard Ikenna’s voice calling out from the window.
Ikenna: Vera, come out, please.. whispering
Vera: I cannot come out, my dad has locked the entrance doors.
Ikenna: are you done thinking about it, I want you to be my girlfriend? ehhnn! I stir on my bed
Vera: am still thinking about it, go go… Before my daddy will wake up.
Ikenna: I will go, he is just jealous that I love you.
Love will kill both of you, after your exam tomorrow you will go back to where you came from.
I later called my two love before retiring to the land of dreams afterwards, the next day.
I quickly asked my sister to brush her mouth and start revising her books before 10pm, ’cause from were I stay to where she is going to write her jamb is just an hour ride.
She had her bath and we waited for my brother Victory, when it was 9:30am he did not show up. I have to call him…
Me: Victory, where you dey?
Victory: I dey for your side, carry her come out. I no wan see Sam.
Me: you see wetin your d*ck don do you?
Victory: just do am joor…
He ended the call, I carried all Umashi luggage and started arranging her belongings.
Umashi: daddy, what are you doing?
Me: your eyes dey pain you, after you write jamb finish, na from there you go go.
I carried her travelling box outside and locked the door, locked the protector and carried her box inside the booth.
She was looking at me with teary eyes, ‘I no send’ I started the engine and she entered, Musa ran to the gate and opened it.
I drove out of the gate and took a left turn, we were headed to the junction when I saw my twin brother waving at us.
I slowed down and parked my car at the road side, he came over to the window.
Me: drive am go there, from there… Carry her go house.
Victory: no wahala, car keys.
Me: take am easy oh! That car cost pass your destiny oh!!
Victory: you don kolo.
I came down and handed the car keys over to him, I walked down to my house, on entering the gate I saw two female and a matured man knocking at my protector.
I examined them, they were holding an umbrella with office bags.
One of them held bible, I continued walking…
Me: ona good morning, the owner of the house nodey around.
Man: excuse me sir, we will like to share the word of God with you.
Me: if na food I go wait or money, shit dey catch me.
I rushed quickly to backyard, I turned in the backyard and used my backdoor and entered the house.
I placed a call to Beauty, she picked…
Me: baby, are you at home?
Beauty: yes, I am at home, will you come?
Me: yeah.. Am on my way.
Beauty: yaaaa!! Am waiting baby.
She and that little girl screamed down my eardrum, I had to end the call and walked to the kitchen.
I peeped from the kitchen window to check if our August visitors have gone.
I saw them talking and moving towards the gate, no one is interested to listen to them, and this yard people want to make heaven.
I waited for ten minutes to make sure they have left kpatakpata.
I kitted up and find my way outside the yard.
I came out of the gate and stood scanning the open street, one sweet sixteen with big ss walked pass me without greeting me shaking her upcoming big bumbum.
Me: bia… You don’t see me or you no sabi good afternoon?
Girl: I don’t know you, why will I greet someone I don’t know?
Me: see this small girl, my prck tall pass you, greet me joor!
Girl: I no be small girl oh, wetin I don chop pass that tortoritor wey dey in between your legs.
Me: ehhnnn! I scream as you small like that?
Girl: iffa catch you for bed two seconds you don release your akamu jehovah.
I screamed and opened my mouth in wonder, she hissed and walked away.
Look at this small girl saying what her great grand mother should be saying, I rubbed my g—n to confirm if my dck is still intact.
I waved a taxi and entered, we moved for thirty minutes and stopped at a junction that I will take another taxi to Beauty’s house.
Voice: as you enter kpaaa! You release uwarrraarrraa, we get the ugombe medicine wey go make you climb your wife till she start to call you honey, your thing nodey stand gidigba! Our medicine go make your thing stand like iroko.
Or na water water sprm you dey release, we go give you better medicine wey go turn your sprm to akamu jehovah.
Visit us now, to be a man… Man wey nofit satisfy em wife no be man oh! Na woman em be, brother is not too late to increase the size of your carrot to cucumber, visit us now!!
Man1: this medicine go well…
Man2: I need am oh, em get one woman for our yard wey I wan show pepper.
I also decided to join them and buy, since am going to Beauty’s house. She might ask for sx, then I will shock her with enough sx.
I went towards were the speaker was sounding from, it was a sienna parked by the road side with loads of medicine loaded inside the sienna.
Me: oga, how much for the one wey go make person last well well for bed?
Oga: you mean to be a man? *I nod that one na one thousand naira.
Me: I no understand, na the medicine go do the fcking or wetin?
Oga: no be so, sha.. you fit price am.
Me: na five hundred I get oh, you wan sell am?
Oga: ah! Ahh!! Em too small, oga em no cost like that.
I started going my own, since he wants to sell what I don’t even know if it will work one million naira…
Oga: ehnn… Oga come back, come collect am for 5h.
Me: na now you come…
I paid and he gave me the medicine, I went towards the park and boarded a taxi, and the driver set the car in motion thirty minutes time, I requested to drop along the road to the final bus stop…
The driver parked and I came down, paid the taxi driver and he continued his journey of making money.
I brought out the medicine and emptied the container, the medicine was tasting like rotten orange. I had to close my eyes so that I could drink it all, I hope this works.
I went to the gate and knocked for two minutes before I heard a voice.
Voice: who is there? *the gateman ask angrily
Me: open the gate, I wan see your madam he open the gate and look at me like madman
Gateman: bia… So na who you say you dey fine?
Me: I say I wan see your madam he scan me from up till down
Gateman: small madam or big madam? raising his hand up and down
Me: I don’t have time, give way I want to go in.
Gateman: lai! Lai! I nofit allow useless person enter here, I love my job.
Me: my call your madam.
I dialed her number, he peeped and saw my screen.
I placed a call to Beauty, as it was ringing the gateman ended the call…
Gateman: ah! Ahh!! Em never reach this level, you are welcome, sir!!
Me: that is my boy.
I entered the house and I was marveled by the small mansion she was living, the flower, the cars, the sparkling walls.
The house is in perfection with the numerous cars parked reflecting the sun.
A little heaven in GRA, I reasoned. I knew that Beauty was never my class, but who am I to reject God’s blessing.
I knocked on the door and someone that looks like Beauty, but smaller version appeared. She is too pretty for her age, my rod started moving in my boxer.
Girl: how may I help you?
Me: Annabel, is your mom in?
Girl: how do you know my name? Well… There is no mom here, wrong address. who be this one again na?
Me: wait, am here to see Beauty, is she not in?
Girl: hold on, who are you please? all these big mouthed kids
Me: tell her big rod is here?
Girl: she look confuse what do you mean? Is that the name your parents gave to you?
Voice: Annabel, who is that at the door?
Girl: is a young man here to see you.
Voice: what the f–k Annabel, that is my boyfriend.
I heard faint-falls approaching the door, Beauty flung the door wide open and hugged me.
Beauty: baby, so you came? beaming
Me: yeah… I even come with my ghost.
Annabel: Sis, you better remove whatever you are cooking, the entire house is smoking.
Beauty: make yourself comfortable, am coming…
She ran off and Annabel rolled her eyes and walked away, I settled in a sofa and was surprised how my dck got erect without me feeling any arousal, I clamped my both legs as the bulge became obvious.
Annabel, came down with a book in hand, she sat opposite then stood up and carried the book directly to me.
Annabel: uncle, define biology? *i wonder what a kid like her wants to use the definition of biology for
Me: you are too small to be asking such questions, you should be singing ABCD to Z I start to sweat, as my dck start aching me*
Annabel: am not small, am a big girl, my sis tells me that, and everyone calls me big girl, except you, who cares she roll her eyes
Me: if you are a big girl, you should know how to define simple biology all this small pikin can disgrace somebody, now that my brain is on holiday
Annabel: I can define it, bio….
Beauty: Annabel leave my boyfriend alone, go and get yours and interview I release hot breathe
Annabel walked away, she took a route around the staircase landing and disappeared in view.
Beauty sat beside me, and I spread my legs. She saw the bulge and was surprised..
Beauty: how come?
Me: I don’t know, I need you badly.
Beauty: it will be a quickie, I don’t want my sister to know that am not a virgin, she is very curious individual hahaha, virgin ke?
Me: lets go to your room.
I was running upstairs as Beauty chuckled and giggled enjoying the condition I was, my dck was aching me badly.
I got to the top of the staircase while she was mid-way, taking her time climbing the staircase.
Me: where is your room?
Beauty: the second room at your left.
I ran inside the room and dragged, pulled off all my wears.
My dck was released from prison of clothe, I felt much better as all my veins shoot my dck straight like pole.
She opened the door and saw me n_ked, she got hold of my dck and jrked it a little.
She knelt in between my legs and poke her tongue on my dck tip, immediately my sprm started running out like running tap.
Beauty looked at me like am sick or something is wrong with me, just 45seconds into the oral sx, I spilled all my seeds.
Beauty: what is the meaning of this?she scream at me
I was so ashamed of myself that I choked back the words I wanted to say as an excuse for premature ejaculation.
She glared at me angrily, I put up a confused face.
Beauty: fine, fine, let’s get it up… I need it running in and oummnt of my wt pssy.
Me: will it get up?
She looked at me like someone who has gone insane and scoffed, she wrapped her soft palm around my sleeping member and jrked slowly, instead of it sending sweet sensation down my spine, it sent the opposite and I gnashed my teeth in pain.
Beauty: is not showing any sign that it will rise… Vic, what….
Voice: sis, what are you doing in with that gentle man? I need to eat quickly, am famished.
Beauty: dress up, my kid sister won’t let us be anytime soon.
I wore my trouser like someone who has lost olympic medal after flexing so much confidence of winning, Beauty quickly opened the door and met the gaze of her kid sister who looked at us suspiciously tilting her head side to sides,
She squat before her and pecked her cheeks.
Beauty: follow me, let’s go down and eat.
Annabel: is he not coming with us? *pointing at me
Beauty: he is my boyfriend, he has no choice. He have to taste what he taught me. I chuckle uneasily
Can my day be any worse, I would have to be forced to eat what Beauty cooked, it should better taste good. I don’t want to be in a renewed relationship with toilet, the last time I did.
I earned the duty of washing the toilet so that I can use it, since the one that should be washing the toilet insist he wanted to wash it that time, and I had no choice but to take his stead.
Beauty looked back and her eyes sent loads of messages, she giggled and I realized she was laughing my inability to last long for the first time, maybe am looking like someone who has ’caused the death of his parents.
We sat on the dinning table that Beauty had arranged earlier, she dished the meal.
And I had to say, the egusi soup look rich with the varieties of meats and fishes in it, everything looked so delicious that I could not wait to get down on the plates.
I washed my hands quickly did not realize that Annabel was looking at me all along until…
Annabel: are you that hungry, lets pray before we eat.
Beauty: what is wrong with you Annabel, have you lost it?
Me: let her be, Annabel lead us in prayer, little witch fa!
I have to close my eyes, thank God I shifted the responsibility of praying from me oh! Were we are even start from, I always prayed to God to have mercy on me.
I cannot even remember when last I prayed ’cause I have been avoiding troubles, my God is a merciful God and I always called on him when I needed mercy upon my life.
She started praying from one topic to another, blessing the provider and removing curses from our life. Deleting poisons from the food, praying blablabla… I started yawning ’cause my stomach was not finding the situation funny, finally she ended the prayer and I shouted a very loud ‘amen’.
We opened our eyes, and I was expecting both of them to wash their hands and eat.
Instead, they picked up their table knife, fork and their blablabla… While I used the Africa garri tools that is like no other, I washed my hands jejely and cut my garri, folded it into a mighty ball rolled on the soup scooping some facilitator that can enable you finish seven wraps of fufu and still not be satisfied, I was ready to throw the mighty garri morsel inside my mouth to roll down to my stomach…
Annabel: why are you using your hands? she look like someone who has shit plaster on her face, who be this kid?
Me: I prefer the Africa way of eating, you will not enjoy the meal more than I will do.
Beauty: Annabel, you are getting out of hands, I will send you back to granny if I hear more words from you.
That is how the growing witch with wings finally shut up, my heart leaped in happiness.
Annabel: uff! Sis, it taste horrible vomiting morsel of garri
Beauty: what do you mean? The soup taste great, baby, how does it taste? my garri morsel was hanging all along
Me: my heart start beating fast I have not taste it.
She raised her eyebrows in expectantly, I threw the souped morsel into my mouth and the taste seems different from what I knew as egusi, I could not fathom the taste at all, I didn’t know where to place the problem.
Everything taste burnt, it was like offerings offered to the gods.
Beauty: how is it baby? she look nervous
Me: ahh! Umh.. It taste great for beginner I have to lie as I beam my squeezed face
Annabel: I cannot eat this rich pikin, why you no go sharp mouth. Come my house come talk this thing, iffa hear, you no go eat that night again
Annabel left the dinning, and I was forced to fill my stomach with what I will never agree to eat even in nightmare so that I will not disappoint her second time.
She was beaming with her shiny thirty two dentition which added another tooth when I washed my hands and complimented her for a work well-done.
She cleared the dishes, and I checked my time.
It was crawling to 8pm already, I decided to leave so that history will not repeat itself.
She came back and saw me standing at the centre of the sittingroom.
Me: baby, I have to go…
Beauty: she look sad why? I thought you are staying over.
Me: I did not plan for that, and I cannot allow my sister to be the only one to stay in that house all by herself. Annabel appear with a plate in hand
Beauty: have a nice night, my love.
Annabel: is he leaving, sis… I was thinking he will stay over and play with me.
Me: I will next time, Anne. Goodnight love.
We hugged and we shared kiss, I pecked Annabel and find my way out of the house.
Immediately I exited the house a sudden bliss brushed pass me and my stomach became heavy, I felt the urge to sht.
Going back is a bad idea, I can hurriedly get home and use the toilet, I waved down a taxi and hopped in.
I did not know if it was my sight that deceived me or my brain, the car was moving like tricycle and the driver spitted all over were he faces engaging all the passengers in unwanted discussion, especially me that sat in front with him.
I was in heavy discomfort as I endured the shit hanging in my buttocks.
Driver: oga na so life dey oh, if no be say I get sense, na so I for loose this car wey dey help my life *I throw my face to the window escaping flying spits if na you, wetin you go do?
Me: I no know oh! this man leave me na
He started another conversation with someone else when I refused to answer him anymore, I was busy counting houses to get to the next junction.
It took years of training that I did not drop the shit in the car, I quickly paid and boarded the next bus.
The bus was jumping instead of running, as my buttocks was bouncing on the seat, I lost the control over the shit, I started hitting the bus for him to stop so I can look for where to shit since we are in bushy part.
Me: I wan drop here! Driver!! Conductor, I wan stop here!!!
Conductor: we nofit stop here, na night be this. Them dey thief here well well…
Voices: abeg drive oh, oga you be thief why you wan drop here? No stop oh! Na so robbery dey take start.
Me: see wahala oh! na you go tell me where I go stop, when I don shit for your bus, your eyes go open I shout on top my voice
Voices: make ona stop na, all these drivers wicked ehnn!!, conductor! You no hear shit dey catch am, if this man shit for my body I no go pay again oh look at you, you no even get money to pay
Conductor: tapping the bus dropping dey.
The bus slowed down and I started coming down, I came down and paid the conductor, and left my change with him.
As I took off with full speed running into a nearby bush, I didn’t even look around where I was.
All I wanted was to relief myself, I quickly forced my trouser down and wrote WAEC that nature set for us everyday.
When I spitted is the time I started looking around were I was, I didn’t know I was doing it on a dust bin.
Just then I heard a fly sound and a dust bin bag, landed on me.
Me: chimoooo!! I shouted
Voice: who dey there?!
I quickly grabbed leaves and wiped my bumbum, and dragged up my trouser to my waist.
That was when I started perceiving the smelling dust bin, I nearly fainted before I got down from the top mountain surrounded with grasses.
I saw the man that threw the dust bin on me, he looked very skinny that a rushing wind could swing him along.
It must be those people that usually visit homes to collect dust bins, and throw in order to be paid.
Skinny man: madman, why you dey shout?
Me: you high on cheap weed? Na everybody wey dey close to dust bin na em be madman?
Skinny man: them nodey ever gree say them be madman, you nodey close to dust bin oh! You commot from the upstairs you build.
Me: na the sorry you suppose tell me?
Skinny man: he start smiling and making several insane movements my friend! coming to hug me
I took off immediately, he ran after me. ‘Which kind problem be this na?’
I looked back and saw him doubling his speed to meet up, I kicked off my pair of shoes and ran faster than I ever did.
What took me to a radical madman’s house, he looked very scary.
I did not even bother to know were I was running to, I just wanted to escape the madman.
Skinny man: my mad friend, come and take your shoe! chasing me
Me: tufiaaa! God forbid I double my hustle
Skinny man: this running go make person mad oh, I don mad oh! I don run mad oh!!
He stopped chasing me, and started repeating those words going back with my shoe.
I bent and started exhaling heavy breathes, I wiped the beads of sweats all over my body.
All these experience for one night, I couldn’t helped but to cry for my five thousand naira shoe.
I have not completed the money for that shoe, I decided to continue my journey instead of facing that madman twice.
Who knows this time around, he will not go back to his noble palace.
I carried myself up and started trekking to East, hoping to see someone I will ask for direction.
The whole street was sidelined with fenced compounds by a tarred road, I have to endure the discomfort under my feet as I trend bare-footed on the tarred road.
Luckily for me, I saw a girl coming out of the gate, the neighborhood is so dry.
I rushed to her happily, I examined her first if I can actually woo her also, I realized she is off limit and out of stock for my demands, I settled with little familiarity, so I can get to my destination.
Immediately, I got closer to her. She faced me and glared, looking me up.
Girl: ehem, how may I help you?
Me: all these shakara, thank God oh! Say em make you worwor. I just face my business of walking
Girl: thunder fire you! Na your mama and papa worwor!! Your girlfriend fine pass me, mad man go to the dust bin!!! I nearly vomit with the comparison
I have not gone far, when I saw a shop along the street.
A girl sat inside the shop, as everywhere was protected fully with protector just leaving a hole for transaction.
Me: good evening, fine girl.
Girl: good evening, sir, what do you want to buy? this one like money oh!
Me: nothing, please, how can I get to the junction?
Girl: board a taxi in that junction, they will take you to the express way junction.
Me: thank you so much, so pretty girl… What is your name?
Girl: my name is Joy.
Me: girls with that name are very beautiful with heart of angel, so if I buy something from this shop, Joy go enter my life she start blushing
Girl: you funny oh! Am too small for that she even understand, naija girls sabi all the lines we dey use, I go soon update
Me: bring bottle water, cold one.
I paid her and she gave the bottle water to me, I used it to quench my dried throat as I walked to the direction she instructed me to.
When I got there, I saw cars loading passengers.
I entered one of them and off we drove down to another loading junction, I took one going to were I live.
Immediately, I came down from the taxi to enter my gate someone called my name.
I looked around and saw the ripe plantain jehovah witness girl, coming towards me.
What is this one problem I asked myself.
J babe: good evening, Victor, are you surprise that I know your name.
Me: I no surprise, ona church people fit do anything.
J babe: wetin do your shoe? Well… You see those people I send come ona yard on Saturday.
Me: I no see, I nodey stay for this yard.
J Babe: but my mother talk say you dey stay for this yard.
Me: see wahala oh! You rent house for me for that yard?! I nodey stay for here, you go tell me were I dey live? Make this discussion end here.
I went inside the yard angrily to see Ikenna sitting in his normal position opposite my house, he beamed expecting to see my sister following me from behind.
His face colored up when he saw me closing the gate.
Me: Ikefulani, happy waiting.
Ikenna: welcome… Good evening, Vera nodey house since morning.
Me: wetin you want my do now?
Ikenna: na your sister na, you suppose know where she dey.
Me: papa Vera, I go slap you oh! I dey vex ohh!!
Ikenna: hmmm.. Wetin dey smell like this?
I ignored him and went inside, I was the one smelling sha..
That is why I paid for the three back seats, I didn’t want insult.
I immediately unclad myself and poured detergent inside a bucket of water, and soaked everything I wore that day inside the bucket.
Someone started knocking on my protector, the more I ignored the knock is the more the person increased his or her strength of knocking.
I was so angry, that I didn’t know I was n_ked all along, I walked to the verandah to feed the person with the piece of my mind.
Voice: holy ghost fire!!!
I ran inside…
I ran inside and exhaled rapidly, I stood unclad in my bedroom arms akimbo and wondering what is happening to day, ‘hope say village people no remember me oh!’.
I took my towel and went inside the bathroom, turned the shower on and the waters sprinkling on me ran down on my n_ked body, I reminisce on what happened earlier.
All the beautiful ladies in this yard is Mary that we nicknamed Virgin Mary that I mistakenly showed my n_kedness, I called it mistake because she is the last person I will ever think of fcking in that yard.
She attend mountain of fire and didn’t allow anyone to sleep in that house if there is no light.
I wondered why these set of people are not kept in psychiatric to confirm their sanity, I believe she has surpassed the age of menopause and still single.
I wondered what she was doing when she was young, now she is carrying bible up and down praying and disturbing heaven for a miraculous husband.
She has been inviting me to come to her church, I always gave her excuses everyday.
Probably today she has upped her evangelical movement with kingdom of God suffereth violence, and she wants to take me to her church by force and fire, and I wondered who is giving her the idea that at gun point I will agree to join them in shouting ‘fire! Fire!!’, I love my life tho.
I switched off the shower and cleaned my body with the towel, I hung the towel and switched off the light.
I went under the duvet n_ked and my phone started ringing, I was angry at all my girlfriends so I just ignored my phone completely and slept off.
I felt something tickling me around my nether region, I was enjoying sweet sensation as a very beautiful white girl with curly and long blonde hair, was scking my dck while keeping an eye contact.
The feelings was heaven as her tongued rolled on my dck, she cupped my balls sac and I maned.
The thing was becoming serious, instead of me to be maning in the dream. I started laughing, I woke up and felt something moving in betwixt my legs.
I felt the movement of cockroach in between my legs as it let out a sound, I jumped up from my bed.
Me: Blood of Jesus! I scream and rush to the switch, on the bulb
Me: this idiots don collect light, wey my phone?
I started crawling on the tiled floor searching for my phone, my kneel would have stepped on it when I removed it quickly so that the screen will not crash.
I switched on the flashlight, and looked around the room searching for the rapist cockroach.
I saw 30missed calls, these people will call somebody till they will send cockroach and skeeters to wake you up.
I saw it crawling on my curtail, I grabbed a broom firmly, ready myself to thrash his or her naughty buttocks.
I don’t care about the gender anyway, but I suspect it must be female cockroach ’cause it tried to rape a nked sleeping man like me.
Me: you don die today!
I launched the first attack and it met it flying towards the kitchen door, before I could position the direct flashlight to find it.
The thing ran into the kitchen, I went at it with full force and stumbled as my leg entangled on the table in the room, the sharp pain met me crashing on the tiled floor.
I stood up like a man after raining curses on the lineage of that cockroach that looked like Biggy brother, I leaped to the kitchen more conscious.
I saw unwashed plates in the sink.
Me: Umashi, have killed me *cockroach where doing party after party on the sink
Me: one run up to the sink tap, and stare at me angrily like sending the message you can do nothing no be me and you oh!!
I find my way back to my precious bed, this time around.
I locked my dck up with a boxer and covered my bare chest with singlet.
I started hearing heavy foot-falls, as someone was slamming the wall and marching hard on the floor. It was like semi-earthquake as she shook the house with her loud voice in prayer.
Mary voice: you that n_ked enemy, i say die by fire! Fire!! Fire!!! Fire!!! Fire!!!!
Me: I don suffer, person nofit dey in peace for this yard.
I switched on a music on my phone connected it with my mp3, increased the highest volume.
Kept it on my bed side and travelled to the land of everyman.
I woke the next morning and knelt down and prayed, water has start passing garri oh!
U went to the kitchen and washed the plates, rinse it neatly and kept it close to the window so that the sunlight will dry it quickly.
I brushed my mouth and took my bath, placed a call to Biggy, he picked…
Biggy: hello, am I speaking with the prodigal son?
Me: no, you are speaking with the prodigal father, mumu.
Biggy: tell them say, ona plan to kill me with trekking no work.
Me: old things have pass away, new things have come to stay.
Biggy: so, na wetin be the new thing, Mr Noah?
Me: ehnn.. You cook? Hope say my bro dey your house.
Biggy: I dey for fasting for the past two weeks, no near my house oh! Na hunter gun I go take bullet sense enter you.
Me: lai lai! I dey come oh!! You no even get choice, I no suppose collect permission sef. In short, disappear from my line.
I ended the call and dressed up, I came out of the house and locked it, I was about leaving my gate when I saw Mary drying her rinsed clothes on the rope, immediately she saw me.
She raised a new chorus, to the glory of her madness.
Mary: n_ked satan, n_ked satan, n_ked satan, holy ghost fire!!
Me: back to sender *I mumble and left the compound
I came out of the street, and entered my a bus that was calling passengers to my way.
I sat at the back seat, and did not know what moved me to be looking at shoes in the bus.
As I was scanning legs, the shoe I saw on someone’s legs strike resemblance with the shoe that the madman stole from me.
I looked closely, it was so familiar that I cannot betray my properties from not giving them a trade mark.
Me: na my shoe be this! I exclaim with calm voice, first
Girl: someone tap me do you know me?
Who will not know Deborah, my former yard neighbor’s girlfriend. That always visits the jobless fool, they will bang from night till morning everyday disturbing the peace of my dck, the konji was much on me that I nearly raped a goat mistaken it for a girl, from that day I parked out of that particular yard for them.
Me: not really, *I shake my head I no know you.
I concentrate more on my shoe that the man who sat on the second role was wearing, I will so deal with this young man and take my shoe.
Girl: is me Deborah, Steven’s girlfriend in your former.
Me: see me see trouble, na only you be Deborah. Aunty I no know even if you be Steven wife!
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